Hit Me Up’s Consent Process

Overview

This page explains what happens after you get in touch with our Consent Team, and/or make a report related to consent, boundaries, or safety within the Hit Me Up community. Our goal is to make the process as transparent, trauma-informed, and accessible as possible. 

Reporting harm is not easy. You do not need certainty, proof, or a perfectly told story to report. You are always in control of how much, or how little, you choose to engage.

Our priority is care, choice, and community safety.

What is Hit Me Up?

Hit Me Up (HMU) is New York City’s curated community for poly and kink. We run mixers, classes, parties, and more from our venue in Lower Manhattan. We also teach kink and run events with our partners at House of Yes, Space Invader Social, Red Pavilion, Torture Garden and other venues and collaborators around the city.

Hit Me Up was founded by Hawthorne & Alice – a dynamic duo who have more than a decade of experience in the kink, sex positive, ENM, and poly communities in NYC (and beyond).

HMU has a core team that operates in NYC. Learn more about our team here.

Hit Me Up is a private membership organization. We are not a court of law, a governing body, nor a public institution. To review our Consent Policy, please click here. Our processes are community-based, not judicial. 

This means:

We can

  • Set and enforce our own community standards

  • Restrict or remove access to our events, spaces, and/or membership

  • Place conditions on participation

  • Make decisions based on available information and community safety considerations

  • Make membership decisions based on community fit, even if someone is not dangerous 

  • Share knowledge with community organizers and neighboring event spaces

We cannot

  • Conduct criminal investigations

  • Subpoena evidence or compel testimony

  • Determine legal guilt or innocence

  • Provide legal representation or judicial outcomes

Our decisions are made internally, guided by our values and commitment to safety. While we strive to act thoughtfully, fairly, and with care for all involved, membership and participation in HMU spaces are privileges, not rights. Final decisions about access to our spaces rest with HMU.

Who operates the consent process at Hit Me Up?

Hit Me Up manages its consent process internally, with external consultancy. 

The internal process is led by Summer (she/her), who brings professional training and experience in consent education and facilitation, and is supported by Hit Me Up Founders and core team members. Summer is a pro-domme and fetish wrestler with a master’s degree in Psychology from Pace University, and comes to Hit Me Up with years of experience providing education about consent and community-based practices. Within the kink community, she also teaches classes on playfighting and choking.

When appropriate, Hit Me Up also seeks support and perspective from third-party professionals, including Emma Kaywin (they/them) and Rebecca-Emma Kaplan (aka Pink) (all pronouns), and their networks, to help ensure thoughtful, informed decision-making. 

Emma is a consent educator, trauma-informed researcher and training developer, and t4t freak. Emma is the co-director and trainer for House of Yes's Consenticorn program and designs and directs safer space protocols for various initiatives including many kink and play parties and communities. They are a trained mediator whose specialty is supporting facilitated conversations in cases of sexual misconduct. Their research explores and defines sexual safety needs in queer nightlife spaces. 

Pink is a Social Worker, psychotherapist, relationship therapist, and aspiring researcher with specialization in trauma treatment. Pink's research interests include the connection between trauma healing and BDSM practices. Together, Emma and Pink co-developed the Universal Guardian Training, a training for play party guardians/dungeon monitors that has trained over 280 people in Brooklyn, and continue to build and maintain safer space initiatives for play spaces.

When emailing consent@hitmeupnyc.com, you will be in direct communication with Summer, and may also receive support from Co-Founder Alice. 

If for any reason you are not comfortable contacting consent@hitmeupnyc.com, you are welcome to directly contact our Co-Founders Alice or Hawthorne, or any other team member and we will do our best to assist you confidentially.

If you want to share information about a Co-Founder or core HMU team member, or would like third-party support, we encourage you to reach out to Emma & Pink at saferspacesnyc@proton.me.

How can I make a report or share information with the HMU team?

Please email us directly at consent@hitmeupnyc.com to begin the process. All information will remain confidential within the confines of HMU, unless otherwise discussed with you.

Though we are open to receiving any kind of report, if it feels safe to do so, we encourage first-hand accounts as opposed to hearsay. 

*If there is an urgent safety concern at an active and upcoming event, please include this information at the top of your email, and we will respond as quickly as possible.*

What kinds of things can I share?

You are encouraged to share concerns about:

  • Consent violations

  • Harassment or misconduct as outlined in our consent and conduct policy

  • Boundary crossings or pressure

  • Behavior that created safety risks

  • Substance misuse that impacts consent or safety

  • Patterns of concerning behavior

  • Anything else that feels important for our team to know or be aware of

  • Reports that happen during our events, other events or in private

What ‘counts’ as something worth sharing?

The short answer is that everything counts.

You can report something that happened to you, something you witnessed, or a pattern you’ve observed over time.

Even if you feel something wasn’t “serious enough” or doesn’t rise to the level of a formal report, we encourage you to share it. Smaller incidents can accumulate, and patterns often only become visible when multiple people speak up.

The more information we have, the better we can look out for our members and maintain safer spaces.

If you’re unsure whether something “counts,” you can still reach out. We would rather know than not know.

Can I share something, even if I don’t want action taken?

You are always welcome to share information with us, even if you are unsure whether you want any action taken.

We respect that reporting can be complex. In many cases, we can simply document the information, offer validation and support, and take no further steps unless you request it.

However, because Hit Me Up is responsible for the safety of our community, there may be situations where we determine that action is necessary — even if the person sharing does not request it.

In these circumstances, we reserve the right to take protective action within our spaces, including restricting or removing access to our events and spaces.

If action is taken, we will always:

  • Prioritize your privacy

  • Share only the information necessary

  • Discuss anonymity options with you

Our goal is always to balance individual agency with collective safety.

What happens after I reach out to the Consent Team?

We aim to make this process clear and predictable. Here’s what you can expect.

1. Acknowledgment 

You will receive confirmation that we received your report. We will:

  • Confirm receipt

  • Share options for next steps

  • Provide an estimated timeline

  • Offer support resources if requested

Reaching out does not commit you to a formal process.

2. Intake Conversation

A Consent Team member will invite you to a private conversation, via phone or video call. This is a confidential space to share at your own pace. At Hit Me Up, we believe survivors. You do not need proof, a fully fleshed out story, or a fully formed decision to share information with us.

We may ask:

  • What happened?

  • When and where?

  • Who was involved?

  • What was your relationship to them?

  • Any ongoing safety concerns?

  • What outcome feels right to you?

  • What additional support do you need?

This conversation does not automatically trigger formal action. If information suggests serious harm or ongoing risk, HMU may determine protective action is necessary. We will communicate clearly if that threshold is reached, and can keep you anonymous throughout the process if safety or retaliation is a concern.

3. Deliberation

After the intake call, Hit Me Up will discuss the matters internally and get back to you with our recommendations on how we’d like to proceed. 

Reports are handled with discretion. Information may be shared:

  • Internally within the Hit Me Up core team - only with those who need to assess safety or who manage membership accounts.

  • With the person reported about, if a formal process moves forward (limited to high level details).

  • You may request anonymity. We will honor this whenever possible. Anonymous reports may limit certain actions. If formal steps move forward, only necessary information will be shared.

  • We will not contact law enforcement on your behalf.

4. Options Moving Forward

In most cases, we will be able to offer options to you for how you’d like to proceed after your intake call. This could include:

Support Only

  • Receive care and resources without further action – we’ll offer referrals or external resources that may fit your needs.

  • Documentation for pattern tracking – When there is information that does not warrant a suspension or ban but is still noteworthy, our team logs this information and keeps an eye out for any further reports that may denote a pattern.

  • Scheduled check-ins with consent personnel as needed and/or requested.

  • No outreach to the other party would occur.

Formal Review

  • May include: documentation, notifying the person reported about, an opportunity for response, internal review (with outside consultation when appropriate), and a decision about participation in HMU spaces. 

  • This is a community-based process, not a legal proceeding.

Community Accountability / Mediation

  • When appropriate and voluntary, this option could include facilitated conversations or behavioral agreements. 

  • No mediation will happen unless all parties involved agree to a facilitated discussion.


What outcomes are possible after reporting?

Outcomes depend on the nature of the report, the information available, and the needs of community safety. Not every report results in removal or suspension. Responses are tailored to the situation.

Possible outcomes may include:

  • Documentation – When there is information that does not warrant a suspension or ban but is still noteworthy, our team logs this information and keeps an eye out for any further reports that may denote a pattern.

  • Education or boundary clarification – A conversation outlining Hit Me Up’s expectations, consent standards, or required behavior changes to remain in community.

  • Facilitated discussion or community accountability – A structured conversation, agreement, or behavioral plan when appropriate and voluntary.

  • Conditions on participation – Limits on event attendance, monitoring, required check‑ins, or specific behavioral agreements.

  • Suspension – Temporary removal from events or membership.

  • Removal (“ban”) from the community – Revocation of access to HMU spaces.

  • Knowledge-share with other networks – Sharing about a ban with neighboring networks, to ensure community safety across other like-minded spaces.

  • Referral to outside organizations – When appropriate, we may direct individuals to external support, mediation, or educational resources. At Hit Me Up, we believe in transformative justice, however, as a small team at this time we are unequipped to carry out a full transformative justice approach with our members and will instead offer external resources for root healing and behavioral change.

Our goal is not punishment for its own sake, but harm reduction, accountability, and safety.

If I was reported – what should I expect or ask for?

If someone submits a report or information about you with the Hit Me Up team, depending on the severity of the case, you may expect:

  • An email notice informing you that we are looking into a report about you

  • An email notice letting you know we are pausing your engagement at Hit Me Up events while look into the report

  • Opportunity for a live call with our Consent Team so you can share your experience of events.

  • Possible opportunity for a mediated conversation – only if all parties agree.

In some cases, to protect the privacy and safety of our members, we are not always able to share full details of reports with those reported.

Do you have a list of supportive resources?

If you feel you need emotional support following an incident, please feel free to contact our Consent Team to schedule a call. Additionally, please see below for a list of external resources:

Community Care

Crisis lines

Trauma-informed therapists 

Legal resources

Transformative justice


Thank you for being a valued part of our community. With any comments, questions, or feedback, please feel free to reach out to consent@hitmeupnyc.com.